9/20/06: The Sub-Mariner: “He Who Wears The Crown” (1966)Yes, we read your letters—and, yes, it has been a while since we’ve featured a comic book. (Yes, porn, too.) Still, we didn’t know that Frank Miller fans would be so offended that we honored him with
RoboCop 2. We’ll start digging in the basement for more right-wing comics. Until then, here’s something that might appease Friends Of Old Marvel.
The Sub-Mariner was one of many Marvel characters featured on
Marvel Super Heroes. The phrase “crudely animated” doesn’t quite do justice to the 1966 series. We honestly own amateur porn tapes that have better animation. The series was also overly serious—and never more so than when featuring Marvel’s most humorless hero.
Prince Namor of Atlantis would spend his animated adventures deep in political intrigue, as seen in “He Who Wears The Crown.” The episode begins with Namor watching a military display run by his cousin, Prince Vira—who also serves as the Royal Munitions Master. Namor’s vantage point is about two yards away from the weaponry. That’s okay; Vira mainly seems to have spent Namor’s money on cannons.
The cousin has something up his sleeve, though. Vira unveils a laser gun that makes the cannons disappear. Namor is pleased. “Though I find it distressing that we must constantly build a mightier arsenal,” he adds.
Vira doesn’t care what Namor thinks. He’s busy planning to swipe Namor’s crown through a whispering campaign. As he tells a crony, “The citizens of Atlantis must be lead to believe that Namor is a warmonger!”
Vira ultimately accuses Namor of commissioning weapons of destruction. Namor protests that he only wants weapons for defense. The people of Atlantis don’t argue, since they remember all the times they've been attacked by villains such as Krang and Attuma. The citizens even march with a banner that says, “Down With Usurper Krang.”
Vira has one more “ultimate weapon” on hand. He unleashes his hypno-machine to brainwash the people of Atlantis. The thing works so well that it should have a CNN logo on its side. Namor doesn’t know what’s going on, and gets a big surprise while discussing a strong defense with his trusted friend Vashti.
“There is more than one kind of strength, sire,” says his addled advisor.
“Vashti,” replies Namor, “are you ill?”
Before it’s all over, Namor loses his crown, wins it back, and lets Vira get a second chance by setting up Attuma and Krang. (Vira isn’t particularly bright, since he keeps his ultimate weapon next to the laser gun that can destroy it.) Everyone gets a new appreciation for a strong defense budget when Attuma and Krang send their troops into Atlantis, only to have them massacred by Namor’s weaponry.
Actually, we don’t see a massacre. We just see the troops fleeing. This series isn’t as toothless as
Super Friends, but we’re still a long way from the 1940s Prince Namor who used to routinely murder surface dwellers—although he'd always settle for killing Nazis and gangsters.
With or without a massacre, Namor is still our kind of leader. We especially like his resignation after he loses a fight with a cheating Vira: “If I have not the strength to defend [my crown], have I the right to rule?”
Dennis Hastert could stand to ask that same question. And since
Marvel Super Heroes was made in Canada, Prince Namor asks that question in the voice of great character actor
John Vernon. There’s a guy who could really speak as Speaker of the House.
Make it your own: Any internet search will reveal a source for your own bootleg DVD—but that’s not advisable. The series was done in this weird day-glo color scheme, and even a good dupe will burn out your retinas. You’re better off with whatever episodes you can find on
old VHS tapes.
