11/27/06: Gary Seger: “The Christmas Equalization Act”

That hepcat in the photo above is Gary Seger, a former disc jockey who’d become a successful playwright with “Alas, Poor Yorick.” You’ll see that one performed at a lot of Shakespeare festivals. The guy’s less known for his recording of “The Christmas Equalization Act.” You certainly don’t hear much about this bold tale from (we think) the early ’70s. We’re happy to present the full narration here to keep Seger’s vision alive:

[Orchestral “Joy to the World” playing underneath]

December, 1983: It has come to the attention of Congress that not everyone is able to have the same size and type of Christmas. Therefore, work has begun in the House Ways and Means Committee on a law to remedy this situation—to be known as “The Christmas Equalization Act.”

With an election year ahead, members of Congress feel that this act will greatly improve incumbents’ chances at the polls. Under the new law, benefits will be paid to those persons who meet a Low-Quality Christmas Test set forth in the bill. Application for benefits will be made on Form 5802: The Affidavit of Christmas Value.

To be eligible, applicants must have received no more than 47 Christmas presents with a combined value of $200 or less during a period of two consecutive years. More people than ever may be eligible this year due to large unemployment and high inflation—matters with which Congressmen promise to deal firmly next year.

To administer the new program, at least 15,000 new federal jobs will need to be created. Total cost will be limited by law to 120 billion dollars. It will be supported by a companion measure known as “The Christmas Equalization Tax.” Persons not eligible for benefits will be assessed a portion of their Christmas taxable gift income based on a graduated scale.

Those who have received 47 to 50 gifts in the past two years will pay approximately 14% of their gifts, and those receiving in excess of 100 gifts in that period will pay 70% of their gifts. Form 1040 XMAS, a supplement to the regular tax return, will allow an exclusion of $100 for every foot under 8 feet of the taxpayer’s Christmas tree, and $10 for every pound under 20 pounds of the taxpayer’s Christmas turkey.

Proponents of The Christmas Equalization Act argue that since the ’30s, voluntary giving has gradually declined. Furthermore, recent years have shown conclusively that giving should be properly placed in the hands of the government. Next year, Congress hopes to expand the program to Hanukkah, in an effort to cure the injustices of that holiday.

Merry Christmas, and a happy 1984.

Make it your own: This one’s really gone down the memory hole. We’ve only found a CD release on the very rare A  Novelty Christmas—but that isn’t to rule out the chance of Seger having appeared on other compilations.

We should note the possibility that the performer of “The Christmas Equalization Act” might turn out to be a different Gary Seger. If we've made a mistake, then we’ll be all apologetic and replace the above photo with a hepcat like Joe Pyne.

 

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