11/30/06: Dick Clark: “The Fable of Fun Country”

Life would be easier if we wrote entries around celebrity birthdays. Instead, we prefer our ritual of waiting until 2 a.m. to remember that we haven’t written anything new for our favorite thankless task. Today, we make an exception to honor Dick Clark. The showbiz legend is marking his 77th birthday, and there will hopefully be many more.

We’ve had the pleasure of a long private conversation with Clark, and the guy’s candor was amazing. He wasn’t offended by any kind of question—and we asked some really rude ones. There will always be fans of, say, Hank Ballard who’ll complain about Clark’s evil ways. The fact remains that Dick Clark’s biggest sins still made the careers of many struggling artists. He could speak with the confidence of a man who’d done his best to be moral in an immoral industry.

Some of Clark’s finest contributions had even been forgotten by the man himself. We certainly forgot to ask him about his spoken-word recording of “The Fable of Fun Country”—which was probably recorded in 1967. This brave story is a vital part of the Clark legacy. That’s why we’re reproducing the lost cautionary tale here:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a people who were very unhappy with the way things were. One night, on the eve of the fourth day of the seventh month, a vision appeared in the western sky, and offered these people any one wish that they could all agree upon. The unhappy people unanimously asked to be rid of Old Iron Hand, their ruler, and to live in a land where they—the people—could rule.

Well, when they awoke on the morning of the fourth day of the seventh month, the unhappy people were amazed to find themselves in Fun Country. For many years, the Fun folk lived and loved, and they farmed and fought, they laughed and cried, were born and died.

And it was always Fun Time in Fun Country. No one ever complained. Until one Thursday morning, a dissenting voice was heard. Now, nobody panicked. They’d given themselves the right to dissent. But the dissenter did attract a little attention, and soon there were others: publicity seekers, honest dissenters, troublemakers shipped over by Old Iron Hand—kids who loved to dissent and didn’t really care why.

And, finally, dissenting became more popular than bingo.

Only during wars did the dissention stop, and the nation showed a solidly united front. During all wars. Until a particularly unhappy little war came along, and the dissenters couldn’t resist having a field day with it.

Now the Fun folk were confused. When the dissenters saw this, they poured it on even more. And Fun folk found themselves being ashamed of their national concept and origins, their traditions, their leaders. And soon, they started looking the other way when the flag passed by. Patriotism became passé.

Then one night, on the eve of the fourth day of the seventh month, one dissenter climbed the highest flagpole in the land, and holding the torch on high, he set fire to the flag—and Fun Country reached its final degradation. The flag burned all night, and when dawn arrived, the Fun folk found that the vision had taken back the land…

                …and had returned the people to Old Iron Hand.

Make it your own: “The Ballad of Fun Country” makes “The Christmas Equalization Act” look like Celine Dion’s greatest hit. Good luck finding a copy. Happy birthday, Mr. Clark!

 

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