12/5/06: The Last American Virgin (1982)Why are you reading this when you could be reading your very own copy of
Dawn Eden’s
Thrill of the Chaste? It’s guaranteed to be the year’s most witty and insightful celebration of chastity.
And here’s the only teen sex comedy to cover the same territory. The moral behind
The Last American Virgin isn’t really to remain one. Still, there’s a unique message here—as you might expect from a film that’s a remake of a legendary Israeli teen sex comedy. This epic American tale bares plenty of breasts while warning of how hyper hormones can lead to the highway to Hell.
We start with the classic teen sex comedy triumvirate: Gary (Lawrence Monoson) is a sensitive type, Rick (Steve Antin) is a smooth operator, and David (Joe Rubbo) is the chubby comic relief. The film shakes things up from there. The action begins with the pals picking up a twosome of beautiful babes accompanied by their prudish and ugly friend. A surprisingly confident David moves in on one of the hot girls, leaving Gary as the odd man out.
Then the guys get the gals ready for seduction by promising cocaine and giving them Sweet ’N Low. (The cads don’t even have the decency to grind up some NoDoz.) Things go wrong when Gary’s parents come home early, but that’s enough to establish the film’s weird mix of innocence and conniving desperation.
The script goes on to many bizarre twists—including the gayest boy’s locker room scene in the history of cinema. The quest for nookie also includes a disastrous encounter with a cruel and disease-ridden hooker. (Gary becomes the unluckiest schmuck in history when he gets crabs without getting laid.) That’s all on the peripheral of the main plot, though, as Gary pines for the lovely Karen (
Diane Franklin)—who doesn’t notice because she’s too busy being romanced by Rick.
Gary gets relatively lucky after Rick gets traditionally lucky. Karen finds out that she’s a) pregnant and b) suddenly abandoned by her boyfriend. Gary can finally show his devotion by making sure that Karen gets to the abortion clinic on time.
This leads to a montage where Gary hocks his stereo while Karen goes under the knife—all to the accompaniment of U2’s “I Will Follow.” It’s an amazing sequence that covers the political spectrum. We’re fairly pro-choice here at RightWingTrash, which means our capitalist hearts are touched by how carefully the cold abortion doctor counts her cash. Pro-lifers will find another meaning to the scene, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re probably closer to appreciating the director’s true vision.
That scene is also why you’ll often find this movie condemned as overrated trash. At least nobody argues with the greatness of the big finish. (We’re about to get vaguely spoilerish here.) A lot of people will tell you that
The Last American Virgin is about a nice guy who finishes last. We’re not so sure. Gary isn’t such a nice guy. He’s passive-aggressive and scheming and never seems to make an honest emotional attachment with his dream girl.
Even worse, Gary keeps wasting his many opportunities to score with Karen’s hot nerdy-girl best friend. There’s a reason that viewers often wonder if Gary is truly interested in the other sex.
The real lesson here is that adolescent actions have consequences. The screenplay also explores how liberated sexual politics are a hotbed of hypocrisy. That’s some good conservative filmmaking. You’ll have to eventually discuss the birds and the bees with your kids, but keep a copy of
The Last American Virgin around for their advanced studies. There are plenty of valuable lessons to be gained from its sad and sorry ending.
Make it your own: This is another of those movies that could easily find an audience for a two-disc Special Edition. After all,
The Last American Virgin was one of those movies that got the kids clamoring for cable back in the ’80s. Nearly everyone involved went on to weird careers, too. The good news is that
the existing DVD is reasonably priced. Now let's get somebody to work on releasing an expanded soundtrack CD. We can’t find that Tommy Tutone song anywhere else.
