Ten Lords Or Less

This entry was posted on 12/13/2006 12:10 AM and is filed under Music, Theme Week.

  12/13/06: Root Boy Slim & The Sex Change Band
                                        “Xmas At K-Mart” (1978)

[Updated with corrected lyrics from the Root Boy Slim camp—currently represented by Dick Bangham, whose brother Bob was a high-school classmate of ours, and, boy, was Bob surprised that anyone in his high school had heard of the band that his brother was working with back in '78. We'll note again that, as Dick reminds us, Root Boy was hardly a conservative. Also, we didn't mention that Root Boy passed away in 1993. Not only is Root Boy disparaging our President on his website, but he's doing so from beyond the grave!]

We’ll take a break from entwining Christmas and capitalism with tomorrow’s entry. For now, here’s a hipster holiday classic that celebrates the Wal-Mart of the ’70s. Root Boy Slim would probably be bitching about both stores nowadays, but things were more innocent in those post-punk-funk days.

Technically, this is a song about substance abuse and lowlife misery. Get to that final line, though, and you’ll understand that our American horn of plenty shines best as a relative thing. God bless our retailers, every one:

    [Spoken]
        Ho, ho, ho
        Hey, Santa, I hear you just got in from San Jose
        Got in a little trouble out that way
        But I’ve got a song that’ll pick up your spirits the most
        Goes kinda like this—

            Christmas at K-Mart, all over the store
            People are buying just a little bit more
            So if you’re still shopping with money to spend
            How ’bout this album by Root Boy Slim?

            Christmas at K-Mart, Christmas at K-Mart

            The mood ring counter is all aglow
            When Root Boy starts his Christmas show
            Winos sleep on the hot-air grill
            Hippies all take their Christmas pill

            Cough syrup, sold out tonight
            Those Locker Room users in their usual fright
            That lingerie counter was grab and go
            Shoplifters' bags on overflow

            Santa got a dose in San Jose
            Come to the K-Mart, wants love to stay
            I must have died and gone to Heaven
            ’Cause Hell is Christmas at the 7-11

Make it your own: This popular tune will likely be included in Root Boy’s upcoming 2-disc career compilation. Until then, you’ll have to settle for buying a vintage 45 straight from the official website. You can also find video of Root Boy disparaging our President, but that’s forgivable in the Christmas spirit.

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Comments

• 12/14/2006 11:56 AM Dick Bangham wrote:
  Right Wing? Hardly. Trash? Absolutely. Thanks on behalf of the late Root Boy Slim for the post and links. Boogie til you puke!
  Reply to this
• 12/19/2006 4:48 PM gary jenkins wrote:
  root was a god. and will be missed by those who are in the know. r.i.p. root
  Reply to this
• 1/11/2007 10:57 AM T. D. Ball wrote:
  The best christmas song ever
  Reply to this
• 12/21/2009 1:21 PM Trailer Girl wrote:
  You can also find "xmas kmart" on a CD called "New Wave XMas" which includes that other grest xmas song "fairytale of new york.
  Reply to this

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