1/9/07: The Astounding She-Monster (1957)Before the schlockmeisters were sorted out, people often assumed that
The Astounding She-Monster was directed by
Ed Wood, Jr. It was an honest mistake. Real director Ron Ashcroft would even go on to assist the maestro on 1959’s
Night of the Ghouls. Wood was probably thrilled to work with a guy who shared his unique vision.
The first reel of
The Astounding She-Monster skips dialogue in favor of a ponderous voiceover, as we learn how socialite Margaret Chaffee is kidnapped and taken into the deep woods by two gangsters and a moll. At the same time, a meteor crashes nearby and disgorges a blonde alien bombshell. She starts strolling around, the kidnappers see her and crash their car, and then they take refuge in the cabin of handsome geologist Dick Cutler.
The film mainly consists of the cast seeing the alien, running out of the cabin, into the woods, and then back into the cabin. The unspeaking (and shimmering) alien shows up to occasionally kill one of the bad guys with her radioactive touch. What
The Astounding She-Monster has going for it, though—and this is also in the Ed Wood, Jr. tradition—is some blatant politicizing. This is 1957, so it’s the kind of politicizing we like.
Weasely gangster Nat Burdell is introducing his cohorts to his new hostage, and mentions that drunk floozy Esther used to be a New York socialite herself. This gets Nat pontificating on the injustices of America:
NAT: The filthy rich—they’re nothing but a bunch of parasites!
DICK: I don’t know. It seems to me that a lot of our modern American millionaires have earned their wealth.
NAT: In a pig’s foot! They just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Coincidence, that’s all! You take a guy who goes to the racetrack—picks a winner, collects a bundle. Did he earn it? Nah! Coincidence!
DICK: Well, what’s wrong with that?
NAT: The point I’m making to you is that if there hadn’t been a thousand little bettors betting on the same race, he wouldn’t have won a thing, and the millionaire wouldn’t have gotten his girlfriend and a million little guys working their tails off!
DICK: And it’s your idea to redistribute the wealth more evenly among the little guys?
NAT: Exactly! And since our society doesn’t want to cooperate, the little guy’s got to move in and take what he can get.
DICK: Yeah, but that puts you in the category of a criminal.
NAT: You’re only a criminal when you’re in the minority!
Frankly, getting grabbed by a buxom blonde alien is too good for Nat.
Don’t worry about Dick, though. Geologists use plenty of acid in their work. This allows Dick to come up with a clever plan to kill the titular terror. Actually, throwing acid is a reliable solution to all kinds of pesky intruders. It would’ve worked just as well on Nat, or on that scary bear that shows up in some stock footage.
The alien’s death then leads to a big Leftist twist. [Watch out; it’s another 50-year-old SPOILER.] The intruder disintegrates via a bad fade-out, and Margaret notices that she’s left behind a medallion with hinges. The geologist opens the ornament—“I’m certain your feminine curiosity won’t be satisfied until we discover what’s inside that thing”—and finds a futuristic transmission written on a piece of paper. It’s from the Council of Planets, and announces that the people of Earth are invited to join their fine organization dedicated to planetary progress.
All the Earthlings have to do is send back the messenger that Our Heroes just killed. “The Council of Planets should have known better than to send her to Earth without warning us beforehand,” says Margaret. She’s absolutely right. Did we mention that otherworldly bitch killed the geologist’s dog?
The movie ends as the two wonder if Earth is now doomed, while we have a good laugh over how the futuristic Council is as inept as our modern United Nations. They couldn’t even properly aim their alien emissary at a major city. So did these Americans’ rash primitive instincts for self-defense cost our country some valuable universal prestige? Who cares? It’s not likely the Council of Planets could offer a better miracle drug than aspirin.
Make it your own: Image is usually a quality company, but their
DVD of
The Astounding She-Monster doesn’t look any better than my old bootleg VHS. You’re better off buying Image’s
DVD that pairs She-Monster with 1958’s wonderful (but fairly apolitical)
She Demons.
