2/12/07: No Small Affair (1984)We’re approaching Valentine’s Day, and love is in the air even for heartless conservatives. Still, some folks would say it’s extremely heartless to salute one of the few ’80s teen comedies that nobody believes is a classic. And yet we say
No Small Affair may be unfairly neglected because it features one of the most conservative teen heroes of the decade.
Jon Cryer began a stint as the ersatz Matthew Broderick in his film debut, and his innate goofiness does a lot to salvage the character of Charles Cummings. We first see the 16-year-old photographer while he’s telling some yuppies to get out of the nice morning shot he’s composed. Then he gets home to find a strange man in his shower. Our hero introduces himself: “I’m Charles Cummings, in case you’re wondering whose mother you just had your way with.”
We like this kid already. It turns out, however, that Charles is so anti-social that he’s not even interested when young Jennifer Tilly (in glasses!) throws herself at him. And he’s so nebbishy that he can be bullied by young Tim Robbins.
Anyway, Charles’ life takes a major turn after he accidentally photographs nightclub singer Laura Victor (played by Demi Moore at her rare husky best). Laura’s in a crappy synth-pop band, but Charles decides she’s the world’s greatest singer. The main plot is about how Charles tries to win Laurie over by spending his life savings of $6,000 on an ill-conceived ad campaign. The bigger story is about Charles embracing the warmth of cold hard cash as an alternative to sex—and, given Charles’ family, you can’t blame the kid.
That guy in the shower turns out to be Jeffrey Tambor, playing a loser named Ken who ends up dating Charles’ mother. Ken tries to relate to Charles by saying things like, “I’m a ’60s dude.” Ken will later tell Charles, “Don’t censor yourself.” The teen’s response leads to Charles being grounded.
Meanwhile, Charles’ brother and fiancée are a sex-crazed team destined to end up in both a swingers club and couples therapy. Unlike
The Last American Virgin, this film’s beleaguered hero is definitely heterosexual. Charlie is just sick of the liberated world around him. He’s a romantic lead in a film that’ll warm the hearts of anyone who’s sensed the buyer’s remorse behind buying into the sexual revolution.
And regardless of whether he lands his dream girl, at least Charles gets Laura to ditch the new-wave numbness and become a timeless torch singer. That would’ve never happened in a John Hughes movie.
Make it your own: No Small Affair isn’t so neglected that it hasn’t seen
a DVD release. Probably just as well that it’s not loaded with plenty of extras, though. It’s still the kind of ’80s film that has plenty of synth-drums on the soundtrack, so maybe you should just get
a cheap VHS copy.
