Two-Minute Storming
This entry was posted on 5/14/2007 9:13 PM and is filed under Film.
5/15/07: Next (2007)Are you one of our few readers who wake up before noon? Then you’re probably feeling more ripped-off than usual by today’s entry. The gist of all this was initially covered as a passing mention in
yesterday’s review of
28 Weeks Later. Then we decided that
Next rated its own entry—if only because we could goof on more Leftist film critics.
First off,
Next is a crappy film that deserved bad reviews and worst box-office returns. We watched it on a bootleg DVD, but most folks will have it on the background once it starts airing on cable. That’s why we’ll go ahead and reveal the ending of what’s essentially a shaggy-dog story.
Nicolas Cage stars as a Las Vegas magician who makes his real living as a gambler. That’s because he can see two minutes into the future. There are some terrorists planning to nuke Los Angeles, and they end up chasing after Cage. So does our government. That’s about as much thought as anyone should give to the plot.
The important thing is that Nicolas Cage learns a valuable lesson. He learns that he’s going to get a lot of people nuked by terrorists unless he quits being paranoid and starts cooperating with torture-happy FBI agent Julianne Moore.
We should’ve seen this coming.
Next got the kind of bad reviews that goes beyond a film’s general idiocy. A quick look over the first page of an internet search shows different critics complaining about how Moore’s character “tramples rights” and “freely doles out cruel and unusual punishment.” Also,
Next wastes our time with “all the usual nonsense about terrorists and weapons of mass destruction.”
There’s no groupthink like the groupthink of film critics—when they aren’t bitching about how Hollywood doesn’t have any original ideas. It doesn’t look like they could even be bothered to come up with a decent Steve Jobs gag.
Make it your own: At least
Next is our kind of lousy film. The terrorists aren’t Muslims, but there are plenty with French accents. You can go see it in
a few theaters now—especially if you like having a theater to yourself.
