7/30/07: Timbuk 3 “All I Want For Christmas” (1987)It’s ’80s music mania in NYC this week, as concertgoers choose between different shows by The Police, Squeeze and
Stan Ridgway—who, strangely enough, is out promoting the 25th anniversary of Wall of Voodoo’s
Call of the West. Timbuk 3 is staying home because they don’t exist anymore. There’s a reason for that. Back in 1987, frontman Pat MacDonald was already watching his following fade after the novelty hit of “The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades.” Nobody cared about that same year’s holiday-themed “All I Want For Christmas.” They’d care even less now.
“All I Want For Christmas” is meant to mock the idea of war toys on Christmas Day—and MacDonald lost that war, since the opening line cites Transformers as chief offenders. That’s one hint as to why “All I Want For Christmas” is now a fine conservative celebration. MacDonald’s apocalyptic vision sounds awfully good to us—and charmingly nostalgic, too. Here’s the Scrooge’s idea of a scary holiday wishbook:
Transformers, superheroes
Thundercats in cast iron clothes
Rocket fin
gers, laser eyes
Cannon mouths and missile toes
Santa’s helpers from on high
Secret sponsors place their bids
Your donation helps to buy
G.I. Joe’s for Contra kids
All I want for Christmas…
Rock lord masters of disaster
Detonate the ghetto blaster
And little black Rambo metal choir
Sings, “Deck the halls with great balls of fire”
It looks to me like World War III
Underneath the Christmas tree
Please, dear Santa
Mr. Santa, please
Can’t you make the firing cease?
All I want for Christmas—
Is world peace
A monster satellite TV
Sends Season’s Greetings from afar
Star Wars
I and II and III
Chestnuts roasting on the VCR
All I want for Christmas—
Is world peace
So the visionary manages to goof on both
Transformers and
Star Wars. At least you can’t say MacDonald was pandering to the youth market.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter if MacDonald doesn’t believe that Republicans want world peace. Santa knows better. In fact, St. Nick probably has a really good idea of how to make the firing cease. There have always been plenty of Commie countries that would love to wipe out Santa with some surface-to-reindeer missiles. That sleigh must be loaded with plenty of armed responses.
And isn’t it heartwarming to think of Contra kids playing with G.I. Joe action figures? It’s almost as great as the idea of Michael Bay directing a big-screen version of
Thundercats. Another heartwarming thought: Perpetually depressed MacDonald—who maintains a recording career—has to endure even more Transformers mania despite having taken up residence somewhere in Europe.
Make it your own: Maybe we were a little too hard on Pat MacDonald. It turns out this lost Timbuk 3 recording was only released as a modest single—and we don’t recall it getting much press attention at the time. Besides, it’s a catchy tune even without the inadvertently conservative content. Sadly, the song’s now only available on the out-of-print and expensive
New Wave Xmas compilation—although you’ll also get the swell post-Ridgway Wall of Voodoo song “Shouldn’t Have Given Him A Gun for Christmas.” You also get
Root Boy Slim, so it isn’t too new-wave.
