12/5/07: Stan Freberg: “Christmas Dragnet” (1953)We’ve missed a few important birthdays and anniversaries lately—in particular, one that we’ll catch up with in our first posting of next year. Still, we can’t miss the chance to honor the 56th anniversary of
Dragnet’s debut on network television. We featured
our favorite Christmas episode of the show last December. This year, we’ll also honor humorist Stan Freberg—who, like Tom Lehrer, is an important comic talent whose politics don’t usually align with this site.
“Christmas Dragnet,” which is one of Freberg’s many
Dragnet parodies, isn’t technically conservative. The radio play—released by Capitol as a 45 record—is still an unusually sentimental turn from Freberg. We’re lazy as usual, so we’ll skip any more insight and just give you the facts of the entire skit, as based on actual events:
“This is the season. My name’s Wednesday. My partner’s Frank Jones. The Chief’s name is Captain Kellogg. December the 24th, Christmas Eve. They brought in a guy named Grudge. When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold. It was a 4096325-096704—not believing in Santa Claus. 4:35 p.m. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank.”
“Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?”
“Yeah, just before I came down. You too, Frank?”
“Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn’t want to miss out on when Santa Claus comes, you know.”
“Sure wouldn’t. Be a shame.”
“What’cha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? What’cha gonna do on Christmas? Got any plans?”
“Nothing much.”
“Why don’t you come by the house, Joe? We’re gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings. Turkey, celery stuffing—oysters, maybe. Chestnuts, all the trimmings, you know. Cranberry sauce. Love to have you. The missus always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks. You know—olives, pickles, scallions. Most people call them green onions, but they’re really scallions. Did you ever notice that, Joe?"
“Notice what, Frank?”
“How most people call them green onions, but they're really scallions.”
“Uh-huh. Scallions.”
“Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have you.”
“Uh-huh. Well, I’ll see.”
“Love to have you.”
“Uh-huh. Well, I’ll see.”
“Love to have you.”
“Uh-huh. Well, I’ll see.”
“Missus always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks. You know—olives, pickles, scallions.”
“Uh-huh. Let's not go through that again.”
“Go through what, Joe?”
“How most people call them green onions, but they’re really scallions.”
"Oh. You noticed that too, huh, Joe?”
[Phone rings]
“Homicide. Wednesday. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.”
“S’matter, Joe?”
“Bringing a guy in on a 409635-096704. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean, Santa Claus.”
“6:29 p.m. We questioned the guy didn’t believe in Santa Claus. Guy named Grudge.”
“Says here your name’s Grudge. That right?”
“Yeah.”
“Says here you didn't believe in Santa Claus. Hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?”
“Sure, I said it. How do you know there's a Santa Claus? You got a picture of him?”
“No, no mug shots.”
“Any fingerprints?”
“Uh-uh, no prints. I just know, that's all. Like saying there’s no Easter Bunny.”
“That’s another guy there ain't no of.”
“What's your story, Mister?”
“Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he? There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?”
“Listen, Grudge, didn’t I pick you up three years ago on a 1492—for not believing in Columbus?”
“Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either.”
“How about Toledo?”
“I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.”
“Okay, mister. I get the picture now. You don't believe in nothing, do you?”
“Nothing! And you wanna know something else?”
“What's that?”
"I'm gonna get up and walk right out of this room, ’cuz you guys ain’t got nothing on me. There ain’t no law against not believing in Santa Claus.”
“There is in my book. Let me tell you something, mister. I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night."
"Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothing to do."
"Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me. Right, Frank? Right, Frank?"
"There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe? You know, hippity-hopping down the bunny trail?"
“I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours. I showed him department stores:
What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?”
"Happy people, but I ain't impressed."
“I showed him stockings:
How are those stockings hung, Grudge?”
“By the chimney with care, but I didn't hang none up.”
“I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds:
What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?”
"Visions of sugar plums, but you ain't selling me. There ain't no Santa Claus!"
“He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do. My job? Get to the North Pole. I set the plane down. We walked over to Santa's workshop, rang the bell.”
[Doorbell rings
Dragnet theme]
"Pardon me, sir? Can I ask you a few questions?"
"Why, sure. Just tickle me to death."
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Brownie."
"What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?"
"Well, the boss sort of ran short of help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us Brownies from the South Pole."
"Uh-huh. That figures."
"What a waste of time!"
"Could we talk to your boss, please?"
"Oh, he's out. You would have to come on the one night he's out on the whole year."
"What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?"
"My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job—feed them."
"Yes, sir. What do you feed them?"
"Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish—olives, pickles and them little carrot sticks. You know, them little ole carrot sticks?"
"Uh-huh."
"And scallions."
[Together] "Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions."
"How do you know?"
"Just a stab in the dark."
“The little man showed us through the workshop.”
"My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon. Say, would you all like to hear an interesting story?"
"Yes, sir."
"Do you see that huge pile of presents over there?"
"Uh-huh."
"Man, look at all that stuff."
"Would you believe it? They're all for the same man. Been piling up here year after year."
"Why didn't the guy ever get them?"
"Yeah! Why?"
"'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules."
"Uh-huh. We know."
"I don't suppose that there's no chance that this guy can still...?"
"Get the presents? Oh sure. He gets them all, the minute he believes. But I don't suppose he ever will."
"Too bad about that guy. What's his name?"
"Don't say it. I don't want to hear it."
"Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?"
"His name? Grudge."
“The Brownie saw us to the door. Wished us a Merry Christmas. We were heading back to the plane when it happened."
"Hey!"
"Yeah, Grudge?"
"You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?"
"Who's that?"
"S-Santa Claus?"
"Yes, sir?"
"You think I'm too old to change my mind?"
"You're never too old, Mr. Grudge."
"Well then, I—I believe in Santa Claus. And Columbus."
"How about Cincinnati? And Cleveland? And the Easter Bunny?"
"Yeah, them, too."
"And Toledo?"
"I—I still ain't made up my mind about Toledo."
"Look, Grudge. Up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load."
"It's Santa Claus! It's Santa Claus!"
"There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night."
"Yeah, he must have the biggest heart in the whole world."
"Yeah. That's about the size of it."
Make it your own: That transcript reads like poetry—but it’s not the same without the voice talents of Stan Freberg and co-writer Daws Butler. “Christmas Dragnet” is one of Freberg’s lesser-known classics, but it’s on the plentiful
The Very Best of Stan Freberg collection, along with “St. George and the Dragonet” and other greats.
We also like how the transcript reads perfectly fine without identifying the characters. One thing might need clarification, though. The moniker of “Joe Wednesday” is an obvious goof on Jack Webb’s immortal “Joe Friday.” His partner’s name of “Frank Jones,” however, is a spin on Friday’s original sidekick named Frank Smith (played by two different actors in the ’50s). Harry Morgan didn’t step in as Officer Joe Gannon until
Dragnet 1966—but you’ll notice that Gannon had all of Smith’s comic qualities.
