2/13/08: Johnny Legend: “Teenage Caveman” (1998)

It’s difficult to sum up the legend that is Johnny Legend—especially considering that he’s working on three autobiographies to cover his film work, his rockabilly career, and his personal saga of professional wrestling. Here’s an interview that kind of brings us up to date, including Legend’s recent return to the public eye after a brief disappearing act.

That interview also touches on how Legend may be apolitical, but he’s spent a lifetime being politically incorrect. In that spirit, here are the lyrics to “Teenage Caveman”—one of his greatest performances, and all set to be adapted for a Valentine’s Day card:

    I was walking from my cave with a club in my hand
    When I saw a pretty girl sitting on the sand
    So I slapped her real hard, gave her a kiss
    She said, “There’s something about your kiss that I can’t resist!”
 
         I’m a teenage caveman
              (knock ’em down, drag them ’round)
         I’m a teenage caveman
              (knock ’em down, drag them ’round)

         Men admire me
         Women love me
         Teenage caveman!

    I grabbed her by the hair, and dragged her on the ground
    Then I hit her again, and kicked her around
    Now, I liked her very much, so I asked her for a date
    She said, “Okay, but I can’t stay late”

         I’m a teenage caveman
              (knock ’em down, drag them ’round)
         I’m a teenage caveman
              (knock ’em down, drag them ’round)

         Men admire me
         Women love me
         Teenage caveman!

    She told me that she loved me, and this made me feel fine
    So I hit her again, and asked her to be mine
    We were admiring the moon and the stars that shine
    But she kept yappin’ yappin’ yappin’ yappin’ all the time

    She didn’t stop her blabbing, so I gave her a sock
    Then I hit her on the head with a great big rock
    She stopped all her gabbing and went quietly to sleep
    It was very very nice of her to be so sweet

              Men admire me
              Women love me
              Teenage caveman!

Make it your own: “Teenage Caveman” is on Legend’s Bitchin’ album. His liner notes say that it was originally recorded by pioneering horror host Zacherle, but we haven’t heard that version. Bitchin’ is a great record in many ways, and includes the best Leonard Cohen cover of all time. You can also get “Teenage Caveman” on Stock Footage: Music from the Films of Roger Corman. That’s probably the greatest tribute album of all time.

Part of Johnny Legend’s big return is his own video label, and you can find plenty of old-fashioned greatness at the Legend House site. “Teenage Caveman” doesn’t really have anything to do with 1958’s Teenage Caveman, but here’s a look back at our favorite post-apocalyptic love song. (Hey, we just gave away the ending of Teenage Caveman!)

 

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