7/10/08: Metal Men #20 (1966)If you know your comics, then you’ve probably been expecting this one. We’ve been waiting for DC Comics to finally catch up to “Birthday Cake for a Cannibal Robot” in their
Metal Men reissues campaign, but the company’s taking their time. We finally decided to write this entry in our head after we were reminded of the story during a scene in
Hellboy II: The Golden Army.
(And, boy, did we need something to distract us during that snoozefest.
Hellboy II replaces
The Mummy 2 as the worst sequel ever made from an underrated original. The film also has a gratuitous swipe at family-values types, but that scene isn’t any more moronic than everything else in the movie.)
“Birthday Cake for a Cannibal Robot” takes place during the campiest days of DC Comics—as established at the start of the tale, with the Metal Men watching an episode of
Batman on television. (We recently re-watched the entire ’60s series, and are staying with
the feature film as the most appropriate topic for this site.) These men of metal are actually robots created by Dr. William Magnus. They’re appropriately named after their predominant element: Gold (the smart one), Iron (the strong one), Lead (the lovable lug), Mercury (the snide one), and Tin (the one most likely to end up writing a site called RightWingTrash).
There’s also the gorgeous female Platinum, who fancies herself a real woman and likes to be called Tina. The patent on her should’ve made Magnus a very rich man. This episode of the comic also includes the nameless female robot that Tin built for himself so he could have a girlfriend.
Anyway, the Metal Men are enjoying the antics of Adam West and Burt Ward, little knowing that there’s a Chinese villain behind the Bamboo Curtain who’s an even worse stereotype than Hop Sing. As we understand it, Dr. Yes is related to another villain who showed up in an issue of
Wonder Woman. He’s a giant egg with a Fu Manchu mustache. He’s actually a giant mechanical egg, so he’s technically closer to a malicious Weeble.
Dr. Yes sends a giant robot to battle the Metal Men, as part of some general Red Menacing. Our heroes quickly defeat the creature. Dr. Magnus then has Tin use his body to vacuum up the remains of the robot, so Doc can examine the parts back at the laboratory. It turns out that Dr. Yes still controls his disassembled giant robot, and later activates the giant head—which swallows Dr. Magnus.
Meanwhile, a lady shows up for a date with Doc, and gets into a catfight with a jealous Tina. Once that’s resolved, the Metal Men notice that Doc Magnus is missing. They decide to go ahead and finish reassembling the robot. (That’s what Doc was doing when the thing swallowed him.) Dr. Yes has the robot’s limbs attack our heroes, but Iron becomes a giant scalpel and gives the creature a lobotomy.
“Darn crever,” says Dr. Yes. He then explains (to himself) that what the Metal Men actually think is his “lobot’s blain” is hidden away in one of its heels.
With the giant robot tamed (or so they think), the Metal Men take it out for a walk. Their admiring public shouts out how much they admire the Metal Men for being good Americans. That’s a plot point.
First, though, the Metal Men and their giant go to a discotheque. A lot of gay jokes get made about the Metal Men. A lot of them are inspired by how Doc Magnus refuses to show interest in Tina’s amorous ways. This disco scene is particularly unfortunate. The robots showcase their own dances using their shape-shifting abilities, with Iron choosing to become a big clenched fist. We’ve been to a few events in Manhattan where that would’ve been a popular costume.
Then the robots remember that there’s some kind of menace afoot, even if they don’t know the right color. They command the giant robot to take them to its leader. Dr. Yes plays along, and the Metal Men get carried across the Bamboo Curtain just in time for the birthday of Dr. Yes—who’s celebrating with a giant birthday cake. This inspires the Metal Men to camouflage themselves as candles on the birthday cake so they can sneak into Dr. Yes’ headquarters.
That’s a bad idea. They end up being eaten by the giant robot who they thought was their new friend—but that means the behemoth has to open its mouth, so Doc Magnus can pop out. Then they’re all captured by Dr. Yes. Weirdly enough, Doc Magnus recognizes Dr. Yes as being similar to that character from a
Wonder Woman comic book. So the guy
reads comics, but he’s
in a comic, so how…?
Never mind.
In case you’ve forgotten, there’s political content here. Dr. Yes isn’t out to kill the Metal Men. He’s out to brainwash them into hating America. It takes a few panels, but the Metal Men are eventually chanting “Down With America” like they’re Berkeley Buds.
Then the giant robot has to carry the Metal Men
back to America, where they’re dropped off at Yankee Stadium during a big event for “I Am An American” Day. (Did you know they’re shutting down Yankee Stadium after this year’s baseball season? That’s another good reason to finally write this one up.)
The idea is for the Metal Men to shock the assembled youth by taking the stage and announcing that Red China is really the hot new thing. The robots are true patriots, though. Rather than committing treason, they all choose to give themselves lobotomies by shaking themselves apart.
The giant robot—controlled by the outraged Dr. Yes—begins to attack the crowd while shouting, “Destloy!” That’s when the disassembled parts of the Metal Men demonstrate true love for their country by attacking the giant robot in a final triumph of American ingenuity over crazed Commie mechanical eggs.
Also, the young people in attendance are inspired enough that they pick up all the Metal Men parts and take them to Doc Magnus so he can reassemble our heroes—and heroines—all over again.
And he does. That’s the end, with a final panel assuring us that “the Metal Men’s next assault on your senses will startle you as never before!” That seems hard to believe. Anyway, we can’t be sure because we haven’t read
Metal Men #21. Get to work on those reissues, DC.
Make it your own: Don’t go acting like you don’t know the address of your local comic-book shop. We paid $7 for our copy. We don’t know if that was a good deal or a total rip-off, because we loaned our copy of
The Official Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide to our homie Steve Urkel.
