8/19/08: Born American (1986)Remember when Russia was an evil superpower? Seems just like yesterday. But here we are looking back to 1986 for some good trash about the evils of the Soviet Union. Hollywood wasn’t totally buying into President Reagan's notion of an Evil Empire, though. They were busy making feel-good films like
Russkies, in which some American lil’ rascals take in a sweet Russian soldier. No cries of “Wolverines!” there.
Born American was a humble production, and it’s one of the more baffling genre entries in—well, any genre. It opens with a card telling us we’re in Vladimir Village, USSR. That doesn’t sound any less ominous today. We see a sweet blonde girl being attacked by some hairy Russian creep. Then we get a card explaining that the Iron Curtain is sometimes just a barbed-wire fence. That’s soon proven as the action cuts to Finland, where our heroes arrive and announce to the ladies that their prayers have been answered.
Yes, these are our heroes. They’re three college kids who are soon drinking heavily, dropping litter on the highway, and urinating in unison along the side of a road. K.C.’s the token nerd who knows something about the local history. Savoy and Mitch are the party animals who use the Finnish countryside as a practice area for rifle sports and shooting a bow and arrow.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be using the gun so close to the border,” says K.C.—who’s so smart that he knows they’re right next door to Russia. The other two respond by taunting K.C. about how he can’t prove his manhood by firing the bow and arrow. K.C. faces another dare once the trio stumble on the actual Soviet border. They limbo under the sparse fencing and stumble into Russia. “Compared to crawling back from Baja last year,” says Mitch, “this is a jogging path.”
Then they promptly get caught in barbed wire and start an international incident. (A title like
Born Dumbass just wouldn’t have been as inspirational.) The three dolts flee the border area and end up in Vladimir Village, where they’re accused of the murder of the gal we saw earlier.
This would be enough plot for a normal film.
Born American is just getting started. At least this village sequence establishes a good rule for ’80s trash—specifically, that any American becomes an action hero once he crosses the Soviet border. Mitch and Savoy are brought to the girl’s funeral, where they’re about to get some rural Soviet justice. K.C. has been hanging back, and has learned from the dead girl’s sister that the local priest (who’s doing the funeral services) is the actual murderer. K.C. suddenly has no trouble climbing to the rafters of the church and dispatching the priest with an arrow to the heart.
In similar spirit, Savoy—played by Chuck Norris’ son—suddenly reveals plenty of kung fu skills while kicking ass in the now-burning church. The military shows up, and the three Americans hide out in a country store that conveniently stocks dynamite. (That’s cool, if you don't mind standing in line for it.) There’s an elaborate escape scene, but that’s kind of ruined when the threesome promptly stumble into one of those spots on the border where the Iron Curtain consists of armed soldiers and spotlights and alarms.
This is the part where the three guys start wishing they were in a Turkish prison movie. Mitch mouths off to a Russian solder, and gets a Pepsi bottle broken against his neck. K.C. already has a bullet wound. A KGB agent comes in to talk to them, but Mitch hasn’t gotten the point. “We’re American citizens,” says Mitch. “You can’t kill us.” In response, the agent hooks up Mitch’s nipples to a car battery.
Born American may be blatant propaganda, but it’s still in docudrama territory. We’ll still concede that the three Americans have dynamited a village and killed ten Russian solders while making their escape. It really wasn’t their fault. As they explain, “We were drunk.”
Anyway, Savoy attempts to spare Mitch by confessing to being part of a Western campaign of terrorist attacks. K.C.’s gunshot wound is kindly ignored, and the three are put to work shoveling coal in a Soviet prison. The good news is that Savoy discovers a peephole to the showers at the women’s prison next door. That’s how he learns that the dead girl’s sister has been thrown in prison as their accomplice.
There’s an American diplomat who stops by, but he’s no help. He turns out to be a State Department weasel who’d be happy if the Russians make the kids disappear.
Things get weirder. Mitch ends up in his own subplot about gladiator games at the prison. That plays more like a Jean-Claude Van Damme film. K.C. dies, and that took long enough. Savoy discovers that there’s a former CIA agent called The Admiral (a great turn by Thalmus Rasulala) who’s been hiding in a secret passage beneath the prison.
We also learn that Savoy’s last name is Brown. Fans of British boogie will find that to be particularly baffling.
The Admiral agrees to help Savoy escape, but only because he needs someone to deliver his manuscript about the Cold War to America. The agent’s pretty bitter about both sides of the Cold War, but he’ll turn out to be a good guy. For example, The Admiral understands that Savoy has to worry more about the KGB than the CIA once he’s back in Finland. He’s also not in a big hurry to leave Russia after the prison break. There are a few Russians that The Admiral still wants to kill. Hopefully, he’ll get around to that American diplomat.
Born American really was banned in Russia. They tried to ban it in Finland, too. American audiences got to see it, of course, but they didn’t appreciate their freedoms. The film wasn’t a hit here in the States.
Born American is still an amazingly incompetent film that’s a lot of fun. And the happy ending is that director (and co-screenwriter) Renny Harlin went on to Hollywood, where he’s helmed plenty of other bizarre productions.
Make it your own: There’s no DVD release for
Born American. Fortunately, like so many things in our great country,
VHS copies are cheap and plentiful.
