2/19/09: RightWingTrashMan: Mr. Jacks
We’ll probably have a proper entry next week goofing on
National Review’s list of the
25 Top Conservative Movies. For now, we’ll just note that this is a rare example of alt-weeklies actually having good reason to laugh at oblivious right-wingers. The only thing to really commend the
National Review list is covering
Blast From the Past, plus a smart write-up of
Groundhog Day that makes the alt-weekly commentators seem equally oblivious in return.
The saddest thing about the
National Review list is that we’re getting more real conservative films to choose from every day. That’s not just a reference to the fine examples that have opened in the past few months. There’s also the benefit of hindsight. Consider the unheralded Mr. Jacks, who is now the true hero of 2004’s
Spider-Man 2.
We had
a quick goof on
Spider-Man 3 as right-wing trash when the film opened. It was just a quick way to kill an entry. Mr. Jacks, however, is bonafide greatness. The character first appears after we’ve established that Dr. Octopus is rampaging through Manhattan. Meanwhile, nerdy Peter Parker—he who is secretly Spider-Man—is having some hard times. We see him at a bank with his elderly Aunt May, talking to a man whose desk plaque proclaims him to be with the Loan Department. That’s our hero.
Peter has handed over some Social Security forms, along with the paperwork for his deceased Uncle Ben’s life insurance. Mr. Jacks doesn’t have a cape, but he’s still ready to repel the dark forces spawned by Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. He looks at the figures, and stares Aunt May and her nephew right in the eyes: “I’m afraid it’s just not sufficient to refinance your home.”
Aunt May then tries to improvise some crap about how she’s also giving piano lessons. Peter’s slow on the uptake, and she attempts to give him a quick kick. Instead, she assaults Mr. Jacks. He stands up to this onslaught: “We appreciate that you opened up a new SuperSaver account with us today, but the fact is, you do not have the assets to justify this loan.”
Then he turns down Aunt May’s attempt to get a free toaster.
You have to admire Mr. Jacks. Aunt May is ancient, and she has no business trying to refinance her house. It’s a pleasant home in a nice NYC suburb, too, so she would’ve been better off turning it over for a Florida condo. Mr. Jacks knows that the Clinton administration made it easy for him to put Aunt May in a lousy situation, but he doesn’t try to hustle the old lady. The loan officer chooses to speak the simple truth. Maybe he’d be less polite if he knew Peter’s best friend is a young multimillionaire who’s idly strolling around a Manhattan mansion while waiting for the family butler to provide important plot details in
Spider-Man 3.
Mr. Jacks isn’t some stuffed shirt, either. That’s revealed when he tries to pocket an errant gold coin after Doc Ock stops by to grab some cash out of the vault. Aunt May knocks it out of his hand. That dame doesn’t know who her friends are.
Make it your own: Used copies of
Spider-Man 2 DVDs litter the highways, but you’ve probably already seen this movie. You just don’t remember Mr. Jacks. Don’t bother starting a petition for the character to return in
Spider-Man 4. We thought about it, but the actor who played Mr. Jacks is kind of a creep.
