2/26/09: The Sex Prophet (1973)
As we
noted early on here, there are lots of conservatives in the adult industry. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy to write about adult films. We had gone through the trouble of finding a G-rated image for one patriotic video planned for today’s listing. Then we realized the title of the film was a little sordid, and some people might reasonably be offended at how the item would relate to 9/11. That’s okay, though. We just decided to go with
The Sex Prophet—which would cause its own problems, but we’ll discuss that at the end of this entry.
The Sex Prophet opens with the credits written on slips of paper being set on fire. That paper burns fast, too. The only actor’s name you can really catch is “IGOR as Himself.” You should already be intrigued. Then we get to our first scene, where a couple is in bed. She wants to watch television; he wants to have sex. That argument is settled the way you’d expect in an X-rated film—except then she gets all upset after indulging what she refers to the guy’s favorite “perversion.” Honestly, nothing really offensive happens. All guys are perverts in this dame’s book.
Then we cut to the titular Sex Prophet, who’s a classic hairy hippie type. His shambling assistant Igor comes in to announce a visitor. (Igor speaks in a baffling middle ground between a Peter Lorre and James Stewart impersonation.) That visitor turns out to be Jim, who’s the same guy who was having problems with his wife earlier. Jim knew the Sex Prophet back in Bombay. The guru remembers those days so fondly that we think we’re about to see a different kind of sex scene than what we paid for.
It doesn’t go that way. “Bring her to me,” says the Sex Prophet, referring to Jim’s wife. “Let her come to us. Together, let us experience the joy of the soul.” The guru blathers on like this for a while. We might as well admit that we’re revisiting the same old territory as
The Deathmaster and
The Love Thrill Murders—but without the bloodshed.
Jim is thrilled with the Sex Prophet’s offer. “If you can do that,” he says, “I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Don’t speak to me of money,” replies the Sex Prophet. “Don’t speak to me of material wealth. Don’t speak to me of those things that people grab. A donation, perhaps, for Igor. A donation for my loyal and old friend. A man who has not the love of women, or even the joy of friendship. A man who is without any kind of love…”
“Stop! Stop!” shouts Jim, but not because he’s sick of the hippie’s ranting. Jim’s just overcome with emotion, and gives a solemn vow to help out poor Igor.
Then we cut to a brunette who’s pleasuring herself. Jim’s lover is a blonde, so we’re not sure who this lady is supposed to be. She puts on a good solo show, though. Then she appears before the Sex Prophet. “Bring wine,” he instructs Igor. Then he turns to the woman: “Place yourself in my hands.” Actually, she was doing pretty good with her own hands.
Then he commands that the brunette be as naked before him as the day she was born. Sexual acts commence from there. She does most of the work while the guru chants a lot.
The action cuts to a nightclub where a guy named Hal is having an argument with his wife. She has brown hair. She doesn’t have a name. No woman in this film has a name. Hal is complaining that she puts too much emphasis on sex. “I make a good living,” he says. “I don’t see why you’re not satisfied.”
To be fair, Hal’s wife hasn’t had sex in three years. Be reasonable. Hal accuses her of being a drunk, but she’s still willing to waste a martini by throwing it on Hal. He slaps her, which is very unreasonable.
Hal’s wife then walks around while a pop song plays about how the truth lies in a gutter. Then she goes to visit the Sex Prophet. Her sister recommended him. “Yes,” says the guru, “I can save your marriage. But why should I do this for you?”
Suddenly, we’re on the Sex Prophet’s side. This woman doesn’t need marriage counseling. She should leave Hal. The guy hit her. As it turns out, though, the Sex Prophet is demanding some sexual payment. Hal’s wife is happy to oblige. Did we mention she hasn’t had sex in three years?
Then we see Hal and his wife at home, with him agreeing to go see “that space guru of yours if it’ll keep you quiet.” That touching moment leads to the couple having sex to a recording of “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.”
Hal and his wife go to see the Sex Prophet. Jim and his gal are there, too. The Sex Prophet gets the couples to start their engines. As usual, the guru rambles on about nothing while the women do all the work. Also as usual, the Sex Prophet joins in after the guys are done. Igor shows up to do some leering, but that’s okay. He’s setting up the punchline.
We fade from Igor leering at the ladies to Igor leering at some cold hard cash. He’s still not happy. Igor’s alone with the Sex Prophet, who now seems to be really drunk. “You should have fleeced them suckers for a thousand easy,” says Igor. “Listen to me, you discombobulated afterbirth of a Mongolian gang bang!”
Igor actually flubs the line, but that’s what he means to say. Then the film abruptly ends. They could’ve at least added one more burning slip of paper that read, “Based on about a hundred true stories.” There are still some people who think adult films are fantasies.
Make it your own: The Sex Prophet has been reissued on DVD by the fine folks at
Alpha Blue Archives—as a triple-bill with
Swinging Genie and
Maharajah of Bangmor. Unfortunately, it’s part of a series with a very bad word in the title. The cover art features nudity, too. That link will take you to a page where you enter the site, but you might not want to click on through if you’re at work. If you do, go on to the “Dirty Drive-In” section.
For reasons just noted, we didn’t feel right about using the Alpha Blue box as today’s graphic.
The Sex Prophet probably never even got a proper film poster, either. The film’s barely an hour long. Instead, we’re featuring the nicely patriotic Alpha Blue logo. A lot of their best releases first came out during the Bicentennial.
